"Gluttony" an original poem

I'm writing this as an apology, for you, and for me.
Though there aren't enough lines to place my rhymes to atone for my hypocrisy.
I eat and I drink and I smoke all too much.
It depletes how I think and invokes lack of trust.
While I bitch and I moan on how others indulge,
I consume much in secret afraid to divulge.
You watch, and I watch you watching me
Hoping you don't intervene in my complacency.
As I find I have needs which I can't explain,
Like the gin and tonic that seems to ease pain
Till my sins turn to vomit and I find I'm insane.

Or the need for the smoke that hurries my death
As I inhale the puff and I exhale my breath.
The menthol taste that I get on my tongue
As it makes its way down to the heart of my lungs.
But I fear not a thing...though my noose has been hung.

So take me as I am, a gluttonous wretch
Which soils the earth and defiles our nest,
But know that I love you with all of my heart.
All of it...every last mother fucking part!

Selling Out or Buying In?

Is it ok to abandon your morals completely if it's sacrificial? And for the greater good? I mean not doing anything particularly wrong, but doing something that you don't agree with doing. Is it selling out, if I'm doing these things I don't agree with, but I'm doing them because in doing so, I've made someone else happy? I'll admit, I'm slightly happy with the decision too, being that it affects my entire life for the better. But the content of what I'm doing is making me hate myself. I won't go into details, but people who know me should know what I'm concerned with doing. For the people who don't let me ask you a question:

Am I selling out my morals? Or am I buying into the system?  

Which is worse?

My Art is Shit

...

"Al Final" A Poem I wrote in Spanish

This is an original poem of mine written in Spanish, translated into English. Hope you enjoy!

"Al Final"

Hola hermosa,
    Me llamo Muerte, y por ti yo tengo un regalo.
    No tiene miedosa. Ven, veme los ojos.
  ¿No son claros? ¿No entiendes?
    Mi trabajo es del Dios.
    Y estoy aquí para ayudar que Él creó.
    No llora niña. Se aspira tu aliento último
    Y sígame a cielo para tostarse en el esplendor
    Del Dios y bañarse en los fuentes de juventud.

"The End"

Which loosely translates to the following for those who cannot read Spanish:

Hello Beautiful,
     My name is Death, and for you I have a gift.
     Don't be frightened. Come, look into my eyes.
     Are they not clear? Do you not understand?
     My work is that of God, and I am here to save that which He has made.
     Do not cry, little one. Breathe in your final breath,
     And follow me into Nirvana to bask in the splendor of God
     And bathe in the springs of youth.

Psychosis

It's strange feeling this alone when I know I'm surrounded by ones who love me...

I feel so very alone. As if even God isn't there for me... And why should I be? I've accomplished nothing worth any value, nothing to be proud of. I just consume the world's resources and regurgitate them into a white porcelain bowl...

I eat, I drink, I smoke all in excess

And yet I still feel empty inside...

How selfish.

I have this psychotic fantasy where I slit my wrist and bathe myself in the blood, and the scary part is...it arouses me.
In a way I can't quite explain.
Not in a morbid sort of way, but a sexual one. It's easy to write this, not knowing exactly who reads it and who doesn't. I have a similar fantasy where, where again I slit myself with a razor, and put my blood to canvas with a brush.
My dreams are haunted by death and violence, and I preach against these things. Does that add to my hypocrisy?

I'm at my grocery job for the last time, and though I hate this place, I feel sad and nostalgic. For over 2 years I've stocked these shelves and seen these people, and tonight that all ends...
I somewhat expected a farewell party, as they often do those for people who have been here a while, but alas I didn't get one. I don't know why I expected one...I've been here long enough; shouldn't that warrant some sort of goodbye?

I don't mean to throw myself a pity party. It's only slightly disappointing. Look at my life... I've done nothing worth praise, and yet I constantly seek it. I want to do something that catches everyone's eyes. Something that would instill pride into my life.

Why an I so narcissistic??? Why am I constantly seeking approval??? I wish I could just be satisfied with my life like everyone else.

I guess that's why I have these fantasies; they make me feel alive, when I'm really dead inside.

War and Peace

This is a picture I drew. I took the content off of a picture I found on Google, so the idea for the picture was not mine, and is owned by someone else, but this is my version of the picture. It was so beautiful, I had to draw it. 




Anyway, that has nothing to do with what I'd like to discuss today. 


Trayvon Martin:
               If you're reading this from the U.S., then you are aware of the constantly updated drama. If you are reading from Russia, or Germany, or Canada, like I know some of you are, allow me to fill you in. 
Trayvon was a 17 year old black kid from a town in Florida, who walked to the store in the middle of the night for a snack, a volunteer neighborhood watchman (No police affiliation whatsoever) sees the kid looks suspicious...events which are not yet fully understood, unfold and the boy is shot and killed by the watchman. Trayvon was only carrying a bag of Skittles candy and a Tea. Because of a self defense law in Florida (as each state has it's own) the watchman, known as Zimmerman, has yet to be arrested or charged with any crime. Also, Zimmerman is white. Now America, especially the black community is outraged calling this a "hate crime". And the whites are pissed because the "little black boy" is getting more attention in the media than a white boy would. 


All of this is absolutely ridiculous to me. First off:  EVERY VIOLENT CRIME IS A CRIME AGAINST MAN WHICH MAKES EVERY VIOLENT CRIME A HATE CRIME. Second of all:  IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER THE CHILD WAS BLACK, WHITE, ASIAN, SPANISH, RUSSIAN, GERMAN, ETC...THE CHILD IS DEAD PEOPLE! CAN WE NOT FOCUS ON GRIEVING?  Why does everything have to be about race in this mother fucking country?!?!


I'm sick of the dividing line. The blacks hold the race card over the whites' heads, and the whites resent the blacks for having a card to pull. It really is a vicious cycle. One I want no part in. 


God, send my prayers to Trayvon and his family. Rest in Peace child of God.


These are the statements which need to be said; it matters not what color he was, or how much attention he's getting in the media; what matters is that a child is dead, and no one has been arrested for it. 
It is never ok to kill. It is never ok to murder. Under no circumstances is there such a thing as a just or righteous death. God is the only one to make such a call...with the exception of that particular person of course....yes, I do believe that suicide is acceptable; after all, it is YOUR life. And you should decide whether you want to live it or not...


But that's another conversation...


Murder is not okay.


And War is just Murder on a grand scale...


It is hard to say whether or not there is ever a just war, because some pacifists believe that if a war, as a last resort, could bring about peace then they'd be ok with it. But when you start justifying one murder, or one million for that matter, you can justify any reason to go to war....Same with killing. 


So can there really be a just war? I don't know....


If the Red Army hadn't attacked the Third Reich, Hitler could possibly still be slaughtering Jews left and right...So that was Justified...wasn't it?
Well, yeah the Third Reich as a unit was evil and reprehensible, but was every Nazi evil? Couldn't some have been lured in by fear or by treachery? Were all Nazis Jew-Haters? I will never know for sure, but I bet some of them were decent human beings that, out of fear, joined a terrible, horrible, monstrous group. Did they have to die? I don't know...But part of me doesn't think so...


It's never ok to take a life for a life. 


"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"-Mahatma Gandhi


"To kill one innocent man or woman is to kill all of humanity" -The Holy Qur'an


“They will beat their swords into plough shares, and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war any more.” -Micah 4:3 The Tanakh




"“Do not take revenge on someone who wrongs you. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.”-Matthew 5:39 the Holy Bible


"Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule." -Siddhartha Guatama "The Buddha"


So when does war become Just? 


I'd love some answers to these questions

Antipsychotics

So, for the last few days I've been taking a new drug, an antipsychotic. And it's been working! I don't feel like dying. I don't feel like death is knocking at my door. I don't feel very anxious. I feel great. The only down side to this entire ordeal is that I feel rather lethargic. But I've always been quite lazy, so it's not a huge problem.

One thing that does suck is that I can't drink quite as much as I used to. Which blows, because I really enjoy drinking. Especially, because I'm going to Mexico tomorrow. And being sober wasn't really on my to-do list. I can still have a few, but who wants just a few? lol. I am slightly nervous about the cruise, however... I've never been on the ocean before. Never been out of the country. Never been around that many people. My agoraphobia will definitely be a problem, I think.

I do have some pretty strong sedatives just in case.

My wife has made me quit smoking, and so I'm "nic-in" And let me tell you, the nicotine gum...is shit.

I just returned from the dollar store to pick up some sundries, and while I was there, I overheard the most ignorant conversation. I'll spare you the idiotic details. But suffice it to say, the epitome of the stupidity was when the one man said, "Social Security benefits are almost like Obama Care."

WoooooooooooooW!!!! What ignorance!

First of all, the two are nothing alike, other than the simple fact that they are a feeble attempt to support people in need of financial help. Second of all they do have one other thing in common....They're both great ideas but both shit execution.

Let's take a look at Social Security Benefits for a moment. When you pay SS Benefits from your paycheck, you are giving money to someone who needs benefits right now! What's wrong with that you might ask?

Everyone pays for SS Benefits. Everyone. So why not just let everyone pay into their own account? That way, the money is going to be there for certain when that person needs it.

However, what the Government does, is borrow from what each person pays in for other things, and then when the person goes to claim their benefits, the money isn't there. The Gov pays them out of Pocket. And now, people aren't getting their benefits. I've paid well over 10,000 dollars into SSBenefits and I guarantee that by the time I get to 65, the money won't be there.

That's all I'll say on that matter.

The Obama-Care:     is NOT universal health care.

The Obama-care states that it is illegal not to have health care. So while it claims to help those who don't have health care, they fine you 750 dollars if you don't have benefits. How does that work?

Universal Health Care is designed for everyone to have health care regardless of income. In Canada, you walk into a hospital and get treated. In America, you need proof of income and some sort of payment before they'll even see you. Unless you're bleeding, unconscious, or in labor; however, then they'll treat you and bill you. If you can't pay they'll send you to collections. How is it that no one else sees how bull shit this is?

People have a right to health care. People have a right to food, to water, to shelter. We need to stop focusing on how much someone contributes and start focusing on what everyone needs. Only then will people want to contribute. But this is frustrating me, and I have a lot of preparation for the trip. So I'll rant again later.

Still Life in Pencil

I worked on this sketch today after work... What you think?

A Poem..."Freedom Fighting"

So, this is a video of a poem I wrote a while back. It's slightly lengthy, and the editing is shoddy, but I hope you enjoy the content!

Please comment. I would love some feedback!

Insanity

The definition of insanity is redoing or reliving a moment in exactitude over and over again but expecting a different outcome... How many times have I been guilty of this? More times than I care to count. Am I insane?

Probably...

Am I psychotic? I didn't used to think so.... But now I'm just not so sure.

Life has pulled me down several different highways; more than I care to admit.

And I'd like to say I've found myself because of it. But the truth of the matter is I'm more lost now than I ever was. The anxiety, the paranoia, the crippling fear, the pitiful depression and the blinding rage have become a part of my every day life... He'll they've become my life, I'm trying not to let the symptoms define me, but in a strange way.... I think they do.