Psychosis

It's strange feeling this alone when I know I'm surrounded by ones who love me...

I feel so very alone. As if even God isn't there for me... And why should I be? I've accomplished nothing worth any value, nothing to be proud of. I just consume the world's resources and regurgitate them into a white porcelain bowl...

I eat, I drink, I smoke all in excess

And yet I still feel empty inside...

How selfish.

I have this psychotic fantasy where I slit my wrist and bathe myself in the blood, and the scary part is...it arouses me.
In a way I can't quite explain.
Not in a morbid sort of way, but a sexual one. It's easy to write this, not knowing exactly who reads it and who doesn't. I have a similar fantasy where, where again I slit myself with a razor, and put my blood to canvas with a brush.
My dreams are haunted by death and violence, and I preach against these things. Does that add to my hypocrisy?

I'm at my grocery job for the last time, and though I hate this place, I feel sad and nostalgic. For over 2 years I've stocked these shelves and seen these people, and tonight that all ends...
I somewhat expected a farewell party, as they often do those for people who have been here a while, but alas I didn't get one. I don't know why I expected one...I've been here long enough; shouldn't that warrant some sort of goodbye?

I don't mean to throw myself a pity party. It's only slightly disappointing. Look at my life... I've done nothing worth praise, and yet I constantly seek it. I want to do something that catches everyone's eyes. Something that would instill pride into my life.

Why an I so narcissistic??? Why am I constantly seeking approval??? I wish I could just be satisfied with my life like everyone else.

I guess that's why I have these fantasies; they make me feel alive, when I'm really dead inside.